GoodCrush.com Blog

This crazy tune was recently performed at the Princeton Triangle Club’s spring show, which was a spoof of West Side Story.  We’re working on getting hold of a video, but for now, here’s a script:

—-

Good Crush, Bad Crush, Red Crush, Blue Crush  

Sketch by Willie Myers, lyrics by Raffi Grinberg, and music by Ilina Mitra

Lights up on two friends, PAUL and CHRIS, and, on the other side of the room, two friends, PAULINE and CHRISTINE. Dialogue often seems to overlap.

PAUL

Oh man, Chris, I think I found her.

PAULINE

Christine! Big news!

CHRIS

Who? Who did you find?

CHRISTINE

Ooh! Big news! A new boy? Big new boy news?

PAULINE

Yes.

PAUL AND PAULINE

I think I found…the one.

We hear a magical, xylophone sound as the two lovers gaze out at the audience at the exact same time. And then turn back to their scene partners.

CHRIS AND CHRISTINE

The one?

PAUL AND PAULINE

Yes.

Turn to audience. Tinkling sound.

PAUL AND PAULINE

The one.

CHRIS

Oh.

CHRISTINE

Ooh!

CHRIS

So you hooked up with her?

PAUL

No, Chris. This meant something. I saw her. In lecture.

CHRIS

So you didn’t hook up?

PAULINE

No, silly! This is the one! You don’t hook up with the one!

CHRISTINE

Well, allz I’m saying is you gotta milk the cow before you curdle the whey.

PAUL

This is different. It’s like—

PAULINE

Kate Winslet and Leo in Titanic! It’s like—

PAUL

Two Avatar braid anemones intertwined. It’s—

Turn to audience. Magical noise.

PAUL AND PAULINE

True love!

CHRIS AND CHRISTINE

So what are you gonna do about it?

PAULINE

I don’t know. I could invite him to a study with me.

PAUL

I could ask her out on a date.

PAULINE

No, that‘ll never work.

PAUL

Ooh! I know! In order to most successfully pursue my one true love-

PAUL AND PAULINE

I‘ll post an anonymous, nebulously undetailed, semi-stalkerish blurb about her/him on Good Crush‘s Missed Connections!

CHRIS AND CHRISTINE

That makes perfect sense!

Music starts.

PAUL

(typing)

Okay…

Male seeking female

Subject: Kiddy Lit class

Verse 1:

PAUL

I SEE YOU FROM THE CORNER OF THE ROOM,

FROM WHERE I CAN SMELL YOUR SWEET PERFUME.

AND YOUR SHIRT DEPICTS A FLOWER IN FULL BLOOM.

MY THOUGHTS AND MY DAYDREAMS YOU CONSUME,

I WANT TO FILL YOUR WOMB,

AND ONE DAY BE YOUR GROOM—

BUT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU.

PAULINE

At kiddy lit class:

Hey that might be me,

But I need more info to see.

PAUL

At kiddy lit class:

YOU WEAR GREEN FUZZY UGGS,

YOU NEVER DO DRUGS,

YOU DRINK FROM SMALL WORLD MUGS,

YOU LIKE GIVING HUGS.

PAULINE

At kiddy lit class:

Well it’s maybe a possibility,

BUT I NEED DETAILS IF I’M TO AGREE.

Chorus 1:

PAUL

YOU ARE HOT,

YOU ARE CUTE,

YOU ARE EV’RYTHING I NEED.

YOU ARE SMART,

YOU ARE SWEET,

UNLESS YOUR LOOKS MISLEAD.

PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE

TO SPARK THIS ROMANCE.

I DON’T MEAN TO RUSH…

BUT WILL YOU BE MY GOODCRUSH?

OH PLEASE BE MY GOODCRUSH.

PAULINE

(typing)

Okay…

Female seeking male

Subject: Forbes dining hall

Verse 2:

PAULINE

ON MONDAYS YOU ARE WOLFING DOWN YOUR LUNCH,

AND SUNDAYS YOU EAT YOUR GIANT BRUNCH.

IT’S SO CUTE HOW YOUR FOOD YOU ALWAYS MUNCH.

MY HEART BEGINS TO TWIST AND SCRUNCH.

IT’S NOT JUST A HUNCH,

TO SAY I LOVE YOU A BUNCH—

BUT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU.

PAUL

At forbes dining hall:

Perhaps it could be I,

But I want to be sure before I reply.

PAULINE

At forbes dining hall:

YOU HAVE SUCH BRIGHT BLUE EYES,

YOU LIKE APPLE PIES,

YOU WON A RAFFLE PRIZE,

YOU WATCH THE SUNRISE.

PAUL

At forbes dining hall:

To me this could apply,

BUT I’M NOT CERTAIN I CAN YET SAY HI.

Chorus 2:

PAULINE

YOU ARE HOT,

YOU ARE CUTE,

YOU ARE EV’RYTHING I NEED.

YOU ARE SMART,

YOU ARE SWEET,

UNLESS YOUR LOOKS MISLEAD.

PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE

TO SPARK THIS ROMANCE.

I DON’T MEAN TO RUSH…

BUT WILL YOU BE MY GOODCRUSH?

Bridge (no music):

A RANDOm guy enters from the corner of the stage and starts typing.

RANDO

At kiddy lit class:

You are sexy.

At forbes dining hall:

You are spicy.

At kiddy lit class and forbes dining hall:

You’re both thinking about me.

PAUL AND PAULINE

What?

RANDO

(rapping)

I’ve been watching you all year,

And I’ve always been near.

C’mon let’s get this on,

We’ll party until dawn.

Just you two and me,

Call me anytime toll-free!

PAUL

At random guy:

You’re creepy.

PAULINE

At random guy:

You’re sketchy.

PAUL AND PAULINE

(turning to shout at the audience)

Ahhh it’s the serial masturbator!

RANDO

FML.

RANDO exits.

PAUL AND PAULINE

(singing again)

WAIT!

Chorus 3:

PAUL

IS IT YOU?

PAULINE

IS IT YOU?

PAUL AND PAULINE

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS TRUE

CHRIS AND CHRISTINE

BE MY GOOD

CRUSH!

PAUL

THINK IT IS—

PAULINE

OMG—

PAUL AND PAULINE

MY HEART JUST LEAPT AND FLEW!

PAUL

I HAVE TO SEE YOU NOW,

PAULINE

SO OUR LOVE WE CAN AVOW.

PAUL AND PAULINE

I JUST CAN’T RESIST—

THIS CONNECTION CAN’T BE MISSED—

I’M SITTING HERE IN FRIST—

SO PLEASE COME BE MY GOODCRUSH!

After singing the climactic last line, PAUL and PAULINE get up from their neighboring tables and walk toward each other.  They pass each other awkwardly, see each others’ friend, then sit down excitedly (PAUL with CHRISTINE, and PAULINE with CHRIS).

PAUL AND PAULINE

(to CHRISTINE and CHRIS, respectively) 

Hey.

Blackout.